Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
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Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?