As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
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[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event