<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
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(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Twitter fine art
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
the official breakfast of 2021
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this