Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
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If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
#StillHurts
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”