Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
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[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
twitter is a journey
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this