[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
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[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
WWE is French for “yes”
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.