I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
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mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Noted.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.