date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
You Might Also Like
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”