My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
You Might Also Like
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.