*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
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“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Saturday
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom