there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
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Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
It be like that sometimes 😆
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo