The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
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WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.