Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
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When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.