[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
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HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?