I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
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The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please