judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT