[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
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[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
time for some seasonal decor
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*