Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
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[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry