While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
You Might Also Like
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works