When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
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wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Does it…does it take 3 days
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude