Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
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“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
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