Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
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{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
my dog when i have a friend over
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?