A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
lmao
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?