Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
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my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Dune (2021)
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
live long and prosper!
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.