Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
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the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….