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ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”