I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
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I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps