Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
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Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
can’t believe I got front row seats
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
when there are deer in the woods
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’