Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
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Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
That 👊
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen