During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
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I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.