I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.