Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
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[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
New mindset, who dis?
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend