Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
he was correct
I would move hell over six inches for you
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
5 ways to appear taller
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.