Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
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can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”