Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
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dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?