If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
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I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.