i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
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How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
i love modern commerce
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”