* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
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My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.