It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
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Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.