GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
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Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.