Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
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Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.