Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
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The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
emergency phone
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
cause of death:
autopsy.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know