Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
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Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on