Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
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*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Well, this explains it:
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
My neck, my back, my…
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.