A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
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I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
the noise i just made
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.