My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
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Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Hot Hot Hot
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
#CatsOnTwitter
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”