“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
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*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Can’t, holding a grudge
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.