Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
You Might Also Like
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.