I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
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Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
me refusing to leave twitter
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction