i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
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[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
The devil.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now